Wednesday 17 September 2008

kidnapped revision 3

Kidnapped!!! Revision 3

“Tom Walters, charged with ten years’ imprisonment and five strokes of the cane,” The judge thundered. “Why must you torture my grandson!!” Old Grandma Wendy screamed as she struggled to free herself from the hands of the guards by the audience post. The judge repeated firmly, “He is sentenced to ten years’ imprisonment!” Separating yet another family. A few weeks ago, Ah Huat was brought away from his mother for silencing a girl. I stepped into the tunnel that ended at the prison. I landed in this state, all because of…

“You’re not going to go back to your family alive if you don’t pay up by midnight. Come to my clubhouse and look for me. Remember, a million. And if the police comes, your whole family will be slaughtered,” Guan sneered. Beads of perspiration trickled down my forehead, where was I going to get all that money? At first, I thought of borrowing some but I realised I have got no friends. I would certainly not go back to my family, I am too embarrassed to. Rob a bank? Run away? I thought about all that but decided that the security in banks was too tight and it was impossible for me to run away from Singapore unregistered. In the end, I decided to surrender to my fate. You’re dead Tom Walters. I strutted back home. Grandma Wendy greeted me at the door, “Had a good day? Come and have some hot chocolate.” Always having a smile on her face, I could not bring myself to upset Grandma. I pushed the cup away and took out my passport from my room. “Dear? Where are you going?” I heard Grandma’s sweet voice. “Er… To get some fresh air, won’t be out for long, you go back to your room and sleep,” I muttered the last few words softly. Grandma took my passport and helped me put it back in my room. She watched me as I reluctantly walked out of the house.

My last resorts were: Rob a bank, Kidnap someone to get the money. I knew that if I did either, I would certainly get caught by the police. Finally, I made out that robbing a bank could not get me a million and I will have to go over to more places around to get all of the money. I took a thick baseball bat in a heap of rubbish and set of to collect money. I crept behind a weak little boy, stalking him for almost ten minutes, then, when he made a turn for a dark alley, I grabbed the chance and hit him on his head with a baseball bat. Fear gripped me. What if I sent a fatal blow? What if somebody saw? My eyes darted around furiously, squinting them to check the furthest corner for a single soul. I cut a corner of my shirt with a knife and gagged the boy. As I was dragging him onto my car that I had driven here, I spotted some rope and bound the boy with it.

Cold sweat wet my top as I looked for the most suitable place to hide the boy. Finally, I arrived at a run-down hut. By this time, the boy had awoken and was struggling to untangle the ropes. Hah! Good thing I learned to tie survival knots! I pushed the little boy out of the car and shove him into the house. I found an attic and I pushed him in there. I took out a piece of leftover rope and tied the door handle to a hook inside. I dug into the boy’s school bag in search of anything that could tell me his parents’ phone number. Just as I was about to press the green ‘call’ button, I paused. Was there some sort of real GPS tracking device like what they show in movies? To heck with it! I hit the call button and faked a low and squeaky voice, telling the boy’s parents to bring a million dollars to Jalan Payer Lobar Beach. When I turned back to look at the boy, he pleaded me with his eyes. Anxiety clouding it because he may be killed by me. He stared at me with the saddest eyes. I felt my guilty-conscience prick. “Are you satisfied that you got the money, Tom Walters?” I thought I heard my conscience asked. “Are you the sort of person with no integrity and would kidnap people just to get money?” The angelic side of me pondered, while the devilish me cut in, “You are desperately in need of money, you can’t just make a million appear at your fists!”… The two side of me reasoned until I realised that whatever I was doing, I must stop immediately. I was upsetting my family, causing all the people around me to feel sad or hurt.

“Please release the hostage now!” I was jolted out of my reverie by a loud siren. I peered out of the window and saw the outside of the hut swarmed with police cars. I threw the hand phone aside and started untying the boy. I was filled with remorse and guilt. I barely flinched to escape when the police handcuffed me. The loan sharks were also caught for I provided their clubhouse address to the police.

“You have reached your cell!” A police general bellowed at me to get in. To Grandma Wendy and all my family members, I would never forgive myself for letting you down. Grandma Wendy, your shouts and screams just now still echo in me. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, but its all too late…

2 comments:

YHLin said...

Excellent use of gd phrases but you can mention a bit abt ''guan'' on top

tsooc said...

Dear XY,

This is a really interesting story. I really like the way you describe how your conscience prick you.

- Your story could be teaching the younger kids the wrong morals. To be socially responsible, you have to include a sentence to teach others that this is wrong.

- It is not clear that you were Tom in the first paragraph. Why would your grandma think that others were torturing you? Should think of something else for this. eg please, he made this mistake in a moment of folly. Please give him another chance.

Looking forward to your 2nd draft.

- Not clear why you owe so much money. Were you a gambler?
- When a kidnapper wants to kidnap someone, he/she needs lots of planning. Normally, people want to kidnap rich kids but they usually have bodyguards, etc. so got to think of a way round your problem.